Kobolds Ate My Baby! (August 8th one shot)

[Boomslang]

Kobolds Ate My Baby!
Kobolds! The Charades

A Kobold is a tiny, dog-like humanoid that lives in a cave and likes to eat things. Preferably living things. Really preferably, fresh human babies (they are so damn tasty!) Problem is that most humans don’t like the idea of Kobolds raiding their town and stealing babies, and worse, most Kobolds don’t have the wits, the strength, or the power to do much about it.

Kobolds are dirty, smelly, violent, stupid, and inbred. They generally suck at just about everything they set their walnut-sized brains to do. They are so dumb that they completely lack any notion of self preservation, making them utterly fearless (it also helps that they have a very angry god that doesn’t take kindly to cowards). Due to this, they are generally regarded as the perfect cannon fodder by the bigger and smarter evil races. About the only things Kobolds have any real talent for is cooking and being cooked (Kobold meat is the next best thing to fresh baby).

Kobolds live in a damp cave system just outside of a town. They eek out their tiny little lives in constant fear of King Torg (All Hail King Torg!), their beloved leader. Nearby is the tower of an evil Arch-warlock named Tabriz. He hates the Kobolds, but occasionally needs cannon-fodder or a midnight snack.

Rules & Information

HAND
At the start of the game, each Kobold will be given 7-9 cards. These cards will make up the Kobold’s HAND. When two Kobolds disagree, when you try to do something that is not easy to accomplish, or when you want to hit something, each person draws a random card from their HAND. The person with the LOWEST CARD wins (i.e ACE is 1, and the best card, then 2, 3, and so on). If there is a tie, then you draw again.

Afterwards, the card that you drew is put away in a pocket. Once all of your cards have been used, take all the cards out of your pocket and reshuffle them and voila, you have a new HAND. The only exception to this rule is when a Kobold is in a prolonged encounter with other Kobolds. In this situation no one reshuffles until EVERYONE’S HAND has been used.

Certain things during game will cause you to lose or gain cards. Most of the special abilities of Kobolds require that you give up a card. A Mayor may take one of your cards for cheating, talking back, or just because. Likewise, she might give you one after you bring her a steaming mug of coffee, fetch her slippers, or make her pee her pants laughing.

If you run out of cards, then you will die a Random Kobold Horrible Death. If you run out of cards, raise your hands in the air and shout “SHOWTIME!” – at which point the Mayor will come over to inform you of how horribly you died (and any fun effect that it might have on those around you).

HITS
Each character will be given a number of hits between 2 and 20. These hits represent how much DAM their Kobold can take before they die a boring, general Kobold death.

To beat someone up, each player draws a card from their hand. The Kobold with the Highest Card takes 1 DAM. If there is a tie everyone involved takes 1 DAM. If one Kobold has a bigger weapon, then she does 2 DAM to the others instead.

Remember: NO PHYSICAL CONTACT!

Some Other Rules
The ALL HAIL KING TORG LIVE ACTION Rule

Any time someone utters the name of the beloved King of All Kobolds, King Torg (ALL HAIL KING TORG!) EVERYONE must shout out … you guessed it – “All Hail King Torg!” Failure to express the proper respect for his name results in the loss of a card!

The KOBOLD BARKING LIVE ACTION Rule!

Any time a Kobold would lose a card, they can choose to “bark” to avoid losing that card. There is a catch though. This “bark” has to be better then the last “bark” that anyone else has done. All of the players in the room get to vote on whether or not the “barking” was good enough (except for the Balcavians since they should all be barking and running around at this point.) Place note: A Kobold “bark” can be anything from a growl to a yip, to a full out running around chasing your own butt. Any general doggie noises are fine, as long as they are better then the last attempt.

The KOBOLD GOLF CLAP Rule!

Any time someone really does a good job, they deliver a great one-liner, they get down on all fours and bark at the moon, they get everyone in the room to sing “We Wish You a Merry Kobold” – the Mayor has the option of giving that Kobold a little bonus, in the form of a Card. All players within 10 feet are expected to offer an appreciative little golf clap or take 1 DAM

Kobold Clans

Mongrel (-Hungry): Clan Mongrel, the fiercest of the Kobold Clans, are the descendants of Vosh (the only son of King Torg (ALL HAIL KING TORG!) to climb back out, after the king swallowed him whole). Clan Mongrel is driven by a deep, constant, and all-consuming hunger.

Anytime a Mongrel encounters food (in the form of chickens, babies, actual “real world” food, ect.) the Kobold must try to eat the food – or sacrifice a card.

Costuming: Partial to bones, collars, and leashes as fashion accessories. Chew toys go a long way!

Bailcaveian (-Yappy): Clan Bailcaveian, strangest of the Kobold Clans, are the children of the Kobold Sorcerer Supreme, Bail the Dark Apprentice. Bailcaveians are obsessed with magic and trinkets, and particularly fond of dumpster diving. Unfortunately, Bailcaveians are a little –Yappy.

Whenever a Bailcaveian hears another Kobold barking they have to bark, jump up and down, and generally go a little loopy. Failure to do so means they have to tear up one of their cards.

Costuming: Bailcaveian dress tends towards the garish and grisly: Grateful Dead t-shirts, lace veils, broken kids toys, and the occasional skull worn as a hat (all at the same time) for example.

Torgeador (-Tastes Like Baby): Clan Torgeador are the most secretive of the Kobold Clans. The undisputed masters of the kitchens, the Torgeador prize their secret herbs and spices above all else. They would be the largest clan (since their cooking is so important to Kobolds) but for the fact that Torgeadors are –Tasty, nearly matching baby in scrumpdiddly-iciousness!

Any time a Torgeador Kobold is alone and outnumbered 3 to 1 – the other Kobolds mouths water – and they will try to eat the little Kobold (unless the Kobold sacrifices a finger, err, I mean a card to them).

Costuming: A chef’s hat, oven mitts or an apron is de rigueur for a Torgeador. Kitchen utensils are also a big plus.

The Followers of Vor (-In Heat): Clan FolloVor, the progeny of Saint Slod, are fanatical followers of the Big Red Angry God. Like most religious freaks, the FollowVor are all about spreading the good news. Unfortunately, Vor demands that his followers adhere to 23 commandments. While this turns most people off hearing that Vor, unlike most other gods, isn’t big on the whole celibacy thing makes the rest a little easier to swallow. Since the only vice Vor’s Commandments don’t seem to overtly prohibit is interspecies attraction his followers have a long tradition of … exploration. Since this is their one reprieve most of these Kobolds spend the majority of their lives –In Heat.

When a FolloVor sees a human’s leg he needs to “take a moment” – standing still for 1 minute while thinking (un)holy thoughts, or hump that leg. Of course, a Follower of Vor can always rip up a card to avoid “going to town” on somebody’s leg.

Costuming: Hairy chests with open shirts and gold chains are all the rage in the FolloVor fashion. Cologne applied with Brut Force and a sock in the pants are also common. FolloVor bitches tend to dress a little slutty, have big hair, wear lots of perfume and jewelry, and snap their gum.

REMEMBER, NO PHYSICAL CONTACT unless the other player okay’s it. To simulate humping another character’s leg, it’s suggested you drop to your knees next to their leg and shout “I’m humping your leg.” So long as you are doing so, they cannot run away until they get you off (of their leg).

Other Costuming Ideas
Remember to dress the part. There is little or nothing subtle about Kobolds, so wear your allegiance on your sleeve, your chest, your forehead, and your underwear.

Armor – Could be a colander worn as a helm, winter coats, hockey masks, football pads, socks rolled up to your knee. These are all things that can be “destroyed” (removed) to prevent the loss of HITS or CARDS from an attack. Since this is Kobolds, it can be any kind of attack (“Oh, that was poison… glad I was wearing that anorak”) Items “destroyed” this way may not be used for the rest of game.

Other items with game effects
- Animal Accoutrements
- Occult Items
- Weapons (Nothing that could Actually hurt someone!). Includes spatulas, daggers, and potatoes peelers.
- Stuffed Animals
- Scholarly Implements
Adventuring Gear

Get creative. Get silly. Tell an opponent what you do with the stuff, and if they don’t like it – draw cards. Bag of marbles – great way to make people fall down. 35 feet of rope – lasso a Kobold to that cow. Use a stuffed duck to carry a message (by tying a message to its leg and throwing it). And so fourth. And so on.

[Boomslang]

Scenario & Characters
The Poorly Contrived Plot
King Torg (All Hail King Torg!) summoned you to the cool kids table during his (seventh) dinner, and informed you that all the humans in the nearby towns have left. He lamented the lack of human baby in his future, as well as the lack of fried chicken, fresh veggies, day-old carcasses, and a long long list of other foods generally available when near a human town.

To make things worse, the local orc and giant tribes are hungry, and have set their sights on the Kobolds to feed them! As such, King Torg (All Hail King Torg!) has ordered you to travel out into the great big world and find them a new cave to inhabit.

Characters
Below are the Characters you may choose from. PM me with the character you most desire. They will be handed out to whoever claims them first. Just don’t get too attached, as Kobolds tend to die at an alarming rate…

Mongrel (-Hungry)

(Taken by LionHeart01)
Hunter (+Gastronomic Vision): The only ‘tracker’ in the group, Hunter might be completely necessary for the group to find new caves near people. Hunter can “see” in the dark, knows what food is before tasting it, and can track by taste. Hunter is so cool, and to prove it is always wearing sunglasses and earmuffs.

(Dibbed by the pretty pretty Lokie)
Prince / Princess (+Kobold Nepotism): Not that you understand the concept of Nepotism, but this character is related to King Torg! (All Hail King Torg!) They are the “official representative” of King Torg (All Hail King Torg!) and as such are basically in charge. They are always wearing a crown or tiara

(Taken by Dr_J)
Bear (+Veteran): A strong fighter who has lived through many a battle, Bear looks like a well-used chew toy (and smells like one too!). They are always telling stories of their days in the Cooking Army, and always carries a weapon. Often wears stickers supporting the second amendment.

(Taken by lethmoor)
Fang (+Winning Smile): Very friendly, very pretty, and very well loved among all Kobolds, Fang is an amazing diplomat, and always seems to be smiling a big, pearly smile. They are very well spoken (for a Kobold), and very useful in dealing with Humans, even if Fang doesn’t speak human…


Bailcaveian (-Yappy)


(Taken by Edmund)
Star (+Lacky): Ever since Star came back from Tabriz’s tower with a big staff, wearing a big pointy hat and big amulet, Star hasn’t liked the other Kobolds, but seems to really like books (though everyone is fairly certain Star can’t read…), and is known to cast spells on occasion.


(Taken by Kent)
Buster(+Rules Laywer): A big fan of Vampire LARPS, to the point of dressing like a Vampire, and clothing that proudly proclaims the Vampire LARPS they have been in. This character has an unhealthy obsession with all things Vampire, and often challenges others to games of Rock-Paper-Scissors.


Big Red/Little Red (+Beloved of Vor): Brought along for their ability to Turn Chickens, Red is constantly trying to make everyone a better Kobold by preaching the 23 commandments and encouraging everyone to follow the path of Vor. Red is always dressed in red, and usually wears robes and collars, along with big V’s.


(Taken by Boatswain)
Abby (+Speak Human): A huge nerd, with the glasses and pocket protector to prove it, they wouldn’t even be here is it wasn’t for their ability to speak human. They have no friends, but often try to make them




Torgeador (-Tastes Like Baby)


Grace/Duke (+Rules Lawyer): A big fan of Collectable Card Games such as Pokemon, Yu-Gi-Oh! And Magic the Gathering, they are always trying to get other Kobolds to play games with them. They are always carrying a few decks of their favorite game.

Shadow (+Sneaky Little Bastard): Always dressed in either a hood or a black and white striped shirt, this character is always carrying around a sack of loot. They are a very good scout, as they can creep around unnoticed.

Harley (+Andgoseek): Harley is the coolest Kobold around, and everyone always wants to play with them. To show off just how cool they are, Harley is always wearing the coolest gaming paraphernalia. Unfortunately, Harley is all too aware of how cool they are…


The Followers of Vor (-In Heat)

(Taken by docjudas)
Buddy (+Speak Human): A huge nerd, with the glasses and pocket protector to prove it, Buddy has been accepted by the other Kobolds by doing all the “smart” work for them.

(Taken by Luken64)
Midnight (+Veteran): Best known for being a key role in the Kobold win during the Farmaggedon, Midnight is always carrying around a weapon and wears second amendment bumper stickers, and seems to idolize Bear.





Squad of Sometimes-Random and Sometimes-Not-So-Random Encounter NPCS
For those who hate Kobolds, like abusing players, don’t like role playing, don’t want the responsibility of playing a real PC, or just want to wear as many different costumes as possible. This should be as fun – if not more fun – then playing a Kobold. Also, depending on how well the players are playing their part (i.e. how fast they are dying) you may get re-assigned to Player Duty.

NPC Roster
Ex-St is that creepy Kobold-killing NPC; but he probably has candy...
Muffin is another creepy Kobold-killing NPC, but the Kobolds keep thinking he's food...
Alvy is an NPC that is just looking to relax... by killing Kobolds...

Possible NPC’s you may get to play include {but is not limited to}:

 Member of the Council (Help making sure the Kobolds play fair, punish the ones who don’t, and draw for Random Kobold Horrible Deaths)
 Clucky, The Dark Rook, A Fearsome Masked Cigar-Smoking Kung-Fu Master Blue Ribbon Play-Bird fighting a never-ending crusade against fried chicken restaurants, Kobolds, and fat-free low-cholesterol imitation egg products.
 Tabriz, the evil Arch warlock for hire, and a vile sorcerer who knows that Kobolds (however unreliable) can be useful – as lackeys, cannon fodder, and as midnight snacks for unknown horrors from the nether planes. Kobold legend says that he may have some Kobold ancestry, but asking him about it is the third fastest way to get yourself killed known to Koboldkind.
 “Big” Al-Abba, the merchant
 “Big” Abba-Al, the bartender
 Cow
 Horse
 Chicken
 Zombie-Cow
 Vampire-Horse
 Were-Chicken
 King Torg (All Hail King Torg!)
 Angry Mob
 The Great Kuthobold!
 Spawn of The Great Kuthubold![/i]
_________________
I poisoned you, darling. It's what snakes do...

[Kent]

This is challenging, no particular character just screams RevNecifer, I will get back to you as soon as I figure this out...
_________________

I can't see the forest, all the trees are in the way.

[Boomslang]

[Muffin]

I think I'll join the NPC roster.
_________________
Assistant Vice Most-Holy.

[Boomslang]

[Boomslang]

Game is coming up! This Saturday is when the explosions, baby eatin', random deaths, and general fun-insanity shall ensue!

Tonight, directions to game are being sent out via PM. Tell your friends! Only those who've RSVPED or taken a character will get this PM (with the exception of Ender, mostly because he's pretty).

Now's the time to hit me with your unanswered questions and well-intentioned compliments (you want extra cards -- or better yet -- Victory Points, don't you?)!


_________________
I poisoned you, darling. It's what snakes do...